choke on that causality

So I’m officially off the wagon. I wouldn’t say “fallen”. Maybe gently stepped down. We’ll see how this goes. I know it’s really easy for people to fall into the same old situations time after time.

I seem to recall panicking at the thought of not being able to have a drink just around the corner. If I went on business trips, I would note all the closest bars or convenience stores near the hotel as soon as I was there…sometimes before. On Saturday morning I would wake up and drink a couple cups of coffee, but then switch immediately to beer even before noon sometimes. We would panic if we didn’t have a full case of beer in the fridge at all times. It also helped to have a little backup liquor.

I never drove drunk. But since I was always drunk, that meant I never drove. Hence, I never went anywhere….except to the bars that were within walking distance, of course.

But even after all the kinds of mess I was…I still want to have just a little piece of who I was…Can I do it?

I suppose we all have to inevitably tell ourselves at some point in our lives, “It’s going to be different this time.”

I woke up early this morning for no reason really. Maybe I’ve just slept too much this week from being sick. I’ve also been on this strange cleaning kick. Like I’ve actually wanted to clean. I must be sick. I guess people get in moods like that, when they are just sick of all the junk around them. I used to. I think I just got burnt out really fast after the move into the house. Tons of things are left unfinished, and there are still boxes unpacked.

Lately I’ve had this desire to look different, to change my appearance. I asked a friend - given, that was a straight guy friend - if he ever felt like that, and he looked at me like I was crazy. So I’ve grown a beard and let my hair grow out…and I’ve lost almost 10 pounds all in the last couple of months. You’d think that’d quench my feelings…but in reality I just have a sweaty upper lip, more opportunity for bad hair days, and I’m stuck somewhere in between the skinny and fat jeans. So maybe it wasn’t what I envisioned.

Sometimes I hate how intrusive computer programs can be. Right now I’m being barked at to install a new version of Java, and an update for ZoneAlarm. Not in the mood.

So went to a party at a friends house last weekend. I don’t think I mentioned. It was a game night which I’ve always wanted to do, but Mike was never into that idea. But anyhow, it was a little overwhelming because I met tons of new people. All area gay men. Kinda strange that I’ve lived in Findlay most of my life, and never really knew many other gay people. And the ones I did know, I unfortunately dated, or they moved away, or both - hopefully they didn’t move away just because we dated. Side note-I was always attracted to that artsy loser type. But anyhow I had a really good time at the party. Like I’ve been saying, I need to get out more.

I hate being sick. My nose is raw and red from overuse of tissues. The doctor says I have a sinus infection. (side note - my doctor’s name is Don Johnson - i always thought that was funny) Gave me some antibiotics. I’ve been sleeping almost non-stop for 2 days. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I can picture it now. I’ll probably be all loopy and out of it….hmmm…so pretty much like every other day, but with lots of sniffling.

Aside from being sick…things have been going alright otherwise. My new years resolution has been working out well. I’ve been trying to connect with people more. Make some friends. Get out more. I think I got pretty good at hiding last year, and I’d really like to develop some healthier relationships with people, that don’t focus on shallow things.

Well I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Today I’m going to a business intelligence event in Columbus. In the car at the moment with nothing better to do.

Yesterday I was so annoyed because I wasn’t able to get talula’s meds. I feel so bad because I want my kitty to get better. I shouldn’t have to call the vet three times to get her to call in the prescription. Then I felt like an idiot cause I was waiting at the pharmacy when she finally called it in. Then I was told that it wouldn’t be ready for another day. Wtf. I’m out of town and mike has to work. Wonderful.

Now we are stuck in traffic and I have to pee.

This is my first attempt at blogging via blackberry. It’s not quite as difficult as I thought it would be.

The weekend has been pretty uneventful. My poor kitten somehow got ringworm. She’s isolated from the other pets at the moment. I have to put stuff on her bad spots a couple times a day. She also has to take some oral meds, but I can’t get it from the pharmacy until monday. I hope none of the other pets get it. Or worse mike or I.

So today it’s been a lot of washing clothes and cleaning. I did go to walmart today and it was crazy. I wanted to punch people. Why don’t people have the least consideration for others?

I was sick yesterday, so I stayed home and slept most of the day. I did receive my copy of the brand new Futurama dvd, Bender’s Big Score though. I just have to say it was freakin awesome! I loved it. I can’t wait to watch it again with Mike. I don’t know if he’ll be able to appreciate it quite as much as me….but I bet he’ll still like it.

I also played the new Super Mario Galaxy game. Woah. Probably not a good game to play when you aren’t feeling well. Don’t get me wrong. It is super fun. I’m sure I will like it a lot. But it made me feel kinda dizzy and a little naseous from the odd planet curvature am I upside down or what perspective. It’s going to take a little getting used to. But a lot of detail went into this game. Why can’t more games be like that? Detailed not nauseating.